With our oldest now off to college, a new adventure as an adult. There was so many moments leading up to this point that triggered my own memories of my journey to college. The narrative I shared with our now freshman, where based on my memories from those days long ago, you will have your own adventure and it will be it’s own kind of amazing or filled with struggles that will shape you as an adult, artist and student. I can sit here pontificate all the things I shared over the last two years to prepare her for this journey, but I won’t. Instead, I found myself reflecting on the past many times over and all little things that happened that are easily forgotten.

While packing our freshman for this journey, it could have been a flood of emotion. Instead it was a journey for everyone in the household. Watching her collect all the little memories, trinkets, needed objects, and even the pieces of clothing that she hand picked, fills a parent with fear and pride. As she finished curating this new chapter through these pieces of her childhood and young adulthood. We want to share our opinions on certain items, instead I realized that we were really experiencing is front seat view of the passing through a timeline that was unfolding so fast. As a parent we try to hold onto the good memories. But in the end, we are heavy with the mistakes we made or choices we regret as a parent.

It’s impossible to let go of those moments, but watching my daughter pack and journey onward is one of the good memories. As we packed all of the boxes, the luggage, each one is reminder of those many moments of her preparing, and we are all processing it in real time. As parents we walk along side of them all their life, and into adulthood, it’s just the distance that changes as new chapters get underway. In all of the packing and unpacking, I was hit with one memory of my time packing up “my life.” During college, when it was time to move back home, there was one thing I forgot about, it came back rushing back to me on her freshman move-in day. I remember my move-in day like it was yesterday. The number of boxes my parents shipped for me, where I picked them up from and the group of friends who greeted me at the airport and helped me move it all into my dorm.

When it was time to journey back home for good after college, there was the phone call with my mother telling the number of boxes they would pay to have shipped home. It was half of what I shipped out, and it mean’t I had to purge before moving back. I chose to do a garage sale and sold things I really didn’t need and things that I kind of wish I hadn’t. But the fact that I’ve forgotten all those years about how it unfolded, is reminder, we do hold onto the good memories. As we finished unpacking her new home, I saw flashes of my experience 30+ years ago and I tried my hardest to let her make her space all her own. What I am excited to see some day, is how she curated not only her living space, but her life.

Walking along side our children into adulthood, is all we have left to hold onto. It’s all we have left now to continue to collect the good memories and help them when they ask for it. There are countless videos on social media telling you all the things you have to pack for your college student. But what they don’t tell you in those videos, is how to always remind yourself, you are just walking to alongside them now. I think it was during Junior year of High School, after we did the college tour trip, I realized, I needed ease up on the leading, and telling. They need to lead themselves as much as possible. Now, I know every student is different, but having the hard conversations before they leave and plot out their acceptable avenues of communications is unique to each family. My best advice in this big change in their life and yours. Take one step back for them, it’s going to hurt like crazy for you as a parent. But giving them that one step ahead, will not only empower them, but set the pace for their life. Their ability to have control, helps them build their new world.

The hard reality for us, after college we are older, moving slower and just like our parents, we will be trailing behind them. Becoming a spectator in their life. Hopefully we are someone they turn to after something has shifted in their lives. Their cheer squad for those new chapters they start writing. So when you are helping them with packing for college or watching them unpack, take a pause to just watch them, even if it’s for 5 seconds. Embrace the creepiness, because you are going to be watching, peaking on them, stalking them for the rest of your life. Don’t worry if you forget to pause, you will forget, just like you will forget to pack that one thing, that leaves you feeling like a failure again as a parent. My one thing! I literally forgot to grab her college comforter which I placed neatly on the top shelf of the laundry closet. The ceiling is 10 feet tall, so I completely forgot it was up there. You will forget something. They will forget something. Just remind yourself, things can be fixed or replaced, being there in that moment helps you in the end.

So what did I sell or get rid of in my garage sale in Providence. T-shirts I wished I had kept and one book in particular. A textbook of all things! It was a culinary textbook, teaching you the basics, knife skills, roux’s and so much more. I didn’t notice I had sold it, till we moved from SF to SJ. Inside were notes and signatures of some of the people I had taken classes and seminars with during my time at college. Even a thank you note from two amazing chefs I helped during their visits. I am writing about both of those in my Meeting Legends series. Another good piece of advice. Be careful where you stash things you would like to keep with you through life. I have the memories for now. Can’t wait for the dementia to rob that from me.

The College Years: Pack, Ship, Send, You Will Forget Something

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